Last year, I was going through my old stuff at my childhood home and stumbled upon a curious drawing. It was a list of potential professions I had been asked to draw some time in elementary school. I almost didn’t remember ever drawing it, but some of it did come back to me as I stared at the picture.
It said, in no relevant order, computer industry, actor, soccer player, business man and a game designer. I played soccer for many years, but that sport wasn’t made for an almost half blind person. I got a business degree, worked and lived abroad and now I find myself in the depths of engine programming and game design. Only acting is still missing.
For almost 15 years, I thought I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I had forgotten I ever drew that paper. I went through many years of business school, wondering why I didn’t quite like it. The problem was that I didn’t, but it felt like I was supposed to like it. I worked in startups, began programming, fell in love with programming, slowly moved towards graphics and game engines and now find myself working in my own startup in games inspired by some recent and some childhood games.
I always hated applying for jobs. As a business graduate, I needed to sell myself as something I thought others wanted, feeling insecure fraud as I tried to paint myself as something I wasn’t. I found programming at work. The real problems hooked me. Also, it was the desire to never have to apply for a job again. Slowly, I began realizing that I like what I am, how I am, if I DO the things I like. Whether it’s programming, crossfit, games or endless movie binges.
At Smartly.io & Hive Helsinki, I sponged as much as I could, while making small games on the side. I had begun programming later in my life and felt that in order to become as good as those that inspired me I had to write more code than anybody else. To learn what I wanted, the only option was hundreds of thousands of lines in a few years rather than a typical average of 500 a month. This wasn’t possible while working with many developers. I needed to learn the hard way. What better than games, the area in which so many skills are combined, and the most difficult programming challenges exist. It’s not always about the line count. But it’s about the amount of practise.
The more you do yourself, the more likely it becomes that you find yourself unable to go work for someone else. When you invest in yourself, and know what you want to do, it’s so much harder to consider other people’s offers.
A few years ago, a crossfit buddy of mine began calling me MeatBat, as in meaty bat, because I used to often workout late at night when almost no one else did. It was, because that was the time I wasn’t on the computer anymore. That sounded fun enough to become the name of the company.
I feel like some invisible hand, or a childhood drawing, has been guiding me through the years forcing me to try the things I didn’t like to finally doing the things I love. Doing that enables me to be who I am. Whatever that is.